I was told once

There would be four parts to my life.

As a child I would be filled with wonder

Seeing, hearing, touching, laughing.

As I grew, I would leave home

And search for love

To heal my loneliness.

Next I would become bored with myself 

And develop the need to find all the answers

To life itself.

And finally

I would leave what I had taken so long to build

My house, my home, my family.

I would set out

All alone

To seek the courage to meet death

Face to face…

I guess one would say that I am just beginning the second part of my life, for I am far from home and my loneliness is growing. As I become older, I often worry that along the way I will miss something, and this makes me anxious and confused.

But why?

I smiled and reassured myself that I had plenty of time, to find love, to find all the answers. Maybe it is not even the future that I am so concerned about.

Maybe it is the past.

There were so many beautiful feelings I had in the past, when I was young. But now that is gone forever because I am no longer a child. I am so afraid that I will never have the chance to feel this way again. I search desperately for these feelings and end up longing for the chance to return to my childhood, to feel such great wonder, to play, to laugh….

I looked out my window and smiled. 

Maybe becoming a child again wouldn’t be so hard, after all, there is still great wonder in the world.

The huge, silent mountains, the sparkling oceans and the vast green forests. Here is my chance…

and to he who gets in my way by destroying this wilderness that still remains,

beware…

because I will not let you take away my one chance, my only chance, to once again become a child.

- Jeff Cole, 1985 (age 21)