MINDFUL MASCULINITY: Nature + Nurture + Knowing
As the brazen, unflinching sociopath repeatedly fired his legally purchased Ruger AR-556 into the crowd of shoppers at a neighborhood grocery store in Boulder, Colorado, the horror story of male violence continues to be written. The thoughts running through the shooter’s mind as he sought each new target will never be known, never fully understood. How could a human being do something as cold-blooded as this?
Months later, we still have no indication of a motive. Was he a religious or ideological fanatic, a lunatic or a man whose judgement and reason were poisoned by a deep chasm of pain and overwhelming powerlessness?
Indeed, this was no isolated incident. The barrage of shootings in Austin, Kenosha, Indianapolis, Columbus, New Orleans, West Hempstead, Knoxville, Allentown, D.C., Richmond, Green Bay, Denver, St. Louis, Baltimore and Colorado Springs add to the steadily rising death toll for 2021. With each devastating tragedy, the signal-to-noise ratio shifts back to the deafening alarm siren, waking us from the lull—the foreboding drone that lingers in the backgrounds of our collective consciousness.
These warnings should deeply disturb us all. Overshadowing the shootings, riots and sexual assaults, there is an unmistakable resurgence of conservative fascism with its xenophobic nationalism, right-wing politics, economic oppression, discrimination of race and gender and religious extremism—all cleverly disguised as freedom, patriotism, faith, family values and a free-market economy. The sustainability of our planet and its resources continues to be threatened by a global environmental crisis. And we are all still reeling from the mismanaged response to the COVID-19 pandemic that has reshaped the ways we live, day-to-day, in just a few short months.
The common threads that tie these heartbreaking realities together may be, for some, a tough pill to swallow: male-dominated social, political and economic systems that have forgotten the values of compassion, kindness and humility lie at the core. And their roots run deep.
In the past forty years, ninety-eight percent of all mass shootings in the U.S. were committed by men and this statistic won’t be changing anytime soon. But these troubled men are often the unknowing pawns and messengers of the patriarchal systems that drive and define them. Politics, religion and the corporate ethos are all part of these systems.
What has gone wrong? Many ask this question but are unwilling to hear the glaring and obvious answer. It is painfully simple, yet so pervasive that it overwhelms us and instills a sense of hopelessness: there is a crisis of men. Men are lost. Men have no idea of what it means to be a man in this modern world. Men are disconnected from their souls. Men are in pain and the expression of that pain is coming out sideways.
Many disagree on whether the mass shooting epidemic is related to gun control—hamstrung by the NRA, the gun lobby and Republican politicians—or a lack of resources for and understanding of the mental health issues that plague our country. Women also have mental health issues but 98% of shootings are at the hands of men. The pervasive violence can’t be reduced to mental illness on its own. Regardless of the debate, there can be no denying the growing cancer in the psyches of men in this country and around the world.
Whatever “motives” we discover about these deranged, violent behaviors, they all have one common thread: they are the irrational, twisted expression of the most extreme form of traditional masculinity—toxic masculinity—with it’s aggression, domination, violence, defiance, oppression and complete lack of empathy. Elements of this toxic masculinity make up most of the bigger crises facing our world, and indeed lay at the very foundation of the systemic conditioning we continue to experience in our male-dominated, patriarchal society.
And yet these crises are not the only manifestation of toxic masculinity. We need look no further than the former president of the United States, Donald Trump, who embodies many of the elements of toxic masculinity, cleverly disguised as conservative leadership.
Another compelling example is that of Colorado congresswoman Lauren Boebert. She is, of course, a woman—complete with (we assume) two X chromosomes. And yet, deeply brainwashed in the rhetoric and trappings of the patriarchal system, she exhibits some of the worst of toxic masculine traits. After the Boulder shooting, she tweeted the necessary platitudes of empathy, yet just hours later she followed it with a fundraising tweet, repeating her “hell no to taking our guns” tagline. And, just a few days before the shooting, Boebert went as far as demanding that her Democratic colleagues call her “congressman” as part of her opposition to a legislative act that would expand federal civil rights law to protect against discrimination based on LGBT and gender identity. Where is her compassion? Where is her humility? Where is her empathy?
Then there are “men” like Samuel Fisher who, under the pseudonym Brad Holiday, a self-described “dating coach,” professes misogynistic rhetoric regarding the dangers of letting women get too close: “Girls, are the least trustworthy people on the whole I have ever met in my life. I have never had the experience with men backstabbing and lying that I have seen with women….No matter how good of a relationship you have with them, how cool you are, how long you’ve known them. Women will literally send you to jail and make up a lie about you.”
I have news for you Samuel (or is it Brad, and why the pseudonym?), whatever you and your readers hate or fear about women are simply manifestations created by men just like you. And by the way, I hear that you were recently charged as a participant in the January 6th Capitol riot. Makes perfect sense.
Where does this toxic masculinity come from? Its origins are in the patriarchal system and the social conditioning that have shaped our world for hundreds of years. But the current manifestation lies in the deep chasm we have today between men and women, between the masculine and the feminine. As author, feminist and social activist Gloria Watkins (pen name: bell hooks) has professed, “Patriarchy is the single most life-threatening social disease assaulting the male body and spirit in our nation.” I couldn’t agree more. And the collateral damage of this social disease stabs directly into the hearts of women.
Not only is this a crisis of men—devastatingly infectious and culturally-eroding—it is also a social and relational epidemic, relentlessly expanding this divisive rift between men and women, privately and discreetly, in the bedrooms, kitchens and living rooms of homes across the country. As a counselor and coach, specializing in relationships and men’s issues, I see couples every day struggling with what it means to be men and women, masculine and feminine, and how one can coexist with the other.
So, how did we get here? The answer is complicated and would require a great deal of unpacking, but here’s the CliffsNotes version: men have been experiencing a deep and pervasive internal conflict for centuries. Our primitive, biological urges and impulses, fueled by centuries of systemic social conditioning explicitly contradict the integrity and morality of what we know in our hearts to be intrinsically true. Men are completely lost on what is expected of us. Strong and stoic? Soft and emotional? Vulnerable and sensitive? We simply don’t know how to show up in the world. I call this existential battle of masculinity, Nature vs. Nurture vs. Knowing.
Looking specifically at biology and physiology on the Nature side, it is obvious that men and women have significant differences. We are built differently and are driven by different hormones that have resulted in different gender roles. This divergence of behaviors between male and female was the perfect adaptation for the survival of our species. But things have clearly changed since we evolved into Homo sapiens, over 100,000 years ago, but we’ve never fully addressed the consequences of these adaptations. The delineations in gender roles, which were once part of the process of natural selection, are no longer valid or applicable.
From the Nurture perspective, men and women have been systemically and culturally conditioned to believe in a conveniently manufactured truth about the differences between us, between male and female, between masculine and feminine. The social system of patriarchy is a direct manifestation of the biological differences between the two. Men are typically stronger and more aggressive, so it was a convenient progression that they should be dominant and in control. They should vote, rule, make laws and have freedoms that women shouldn’t have. But this was all initiated while we were becoming human and developing language—while the cerebral cortex, the primary location of human thought and the ability to form ideas and feelings into words, was being formed. Now that the “human” parts of our brains have fully developed, we no longer need to be slaves to the archaic norms created before we were able to fully understand the broader context.
So, what do we do now?
Women's right to vote, the socially and politically rebellious 1960s, the continued effort the women’s movement, the Me Too movement and the historic election of our first female vice president have all been undeniable transformations over the past half century (it should not be lost on anyone that women have only been able to vote for much less than half of the time that the US has been an independent country). But these advances are not enough.
The very soul of our country is still based on this outdated, oppressive system of patriarchy and something significant needs to change and very soon.
In his Ted talk on gender equality, sociologist Michael Kimmel sums up the outdated system of patriarchy perfectly: “White men in Europe and the United States are the beneficiaries of the single greatest affirmative action program in the history of the world. It is called the history of the world.”
The twenty-year old idiom coined by author John Gray, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” simply doesn’t hold up any longer. And the gender polarization professed by other writers on the subject of masculinity, like David Deada and Sam Keene, give men permission to resist change and remain divided and out of touch with their feminine attributes. We need a new perspective that goes beyond conveniently professing that men and women come from different molds and that each should have unique expectations and protocols of behavior based on these differences. It is time to address the internal conflict and heal the wounds that have been festering in the hearts and souls of men for decades.
I believe the solution lies in the concept of what I call Mindful Masculinity, driven by the last of the precariously balanced trio of elements: Knowing. It is a deeper sense of self-awareness or experience of consciousness.
Defining Mindful Masculinity may be easier done by explaining its opposite—mindless masculinity—more easily recognized as traditional masculinity, with its extreme being toxic masculinity. Mindless masculinity manifests as men simply react to their biological impulse and urges (Nature) or choose to act in ways that are scripted by systemic acculturation and socialization—conditioned, normalized beliefs around gender roles, behavior and privilege (Nurture). Aggression, dominance, oppression, sexualization and stoicism are all manifestations of mindless masculinity and it is clear that it is no longer an acceptable form of behavior—if it ever was.
As a helpful reminder, mindfulness is described as the non-judgmental awareness of one’s experience and involves the understanding and incorporation of one’s whole self, one’s essence with all of its parts and characteristics. In the words of author Robert Rabbin “Mindfulness is the capacity of consciousness not defined or determined by the thought stream.”
Mindful Masculinity is the integration of all these parts, the masculine and feminine in particular. The parts that once were believed to divide us—the masculine and feminine, logos and eros, anima and animus, Shiva and Shakti—need to be integrated into a whole, integrated, balanced being. It is transforming the division of Nature vs. Nurture vs. Knowing into the integration Nature + Nurture + Knowing.
If this sounds like a version of feminism, in many ways it is. It is understandable that some may feel some discomfort or resistance to this term because, in its more extreme forms, it tends to reject and invalidate men and the masculine. If this is indeed off-putting to anyone, then I invite you to call it “integrationism” as I believe the only solution is for all of us—male, female, non-binary, gender fluid, transgender—to learn to integrate the masculine and feminine in order to be the best possible versions of ourselves.
Mindful Masculinity holds integrity at its core and that’s where the element of Knowing becomes crucial. The more common definition of integrity is that of being honest and having strong moral principles. The second, and perhaps more important definition, is the state of being whole and undivided. We must all heal our souls and become whole again by integrating the masculine and feminine with honesty, compassion and love.
There is no denying the unmistakable lure of our inherited primitive biological urges and of our deeply rooted social conditioning but we must choose to balance what we’ve been programmed to reactively think and feel with what we know to be true and authentic. We have misplaced the love and respect we once had for our planet, ourselves and our fellow human beings with fear and distrust. We must find love again before it’s too late. We need a generation of adult men who are willing to step up and break the cycle of traditional and toxic masculinity. We need men to embark on their own Hero’s Journey, to stop running from who they truly are and be willing to turn to face their inner demons so they can heal themselves and rediscover what it means to be a man. We need men to return from these journeys with stories of courage and sacrifice so they can teach their children—the next generation—how to think and act and love differently. It is indeed a monumental task, but there are no other options.
We clearly have an immense crisis on our hands and this dire situation should serve as a call to men who are willing to change, to learn to heal and learn to love. It is also a call to women who are willing to teach and support us.
I implore each and every one of you to join me on this path of Mindful Masculinity. Without your voices, this journey is all but impossible. As the visionary activist Martin Luther King once said, “In the end, what will hurt the most is not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.”